i'm crying out to this stupid blog because i don't want to have my heartache slime the people i love...i don't want to cry the tears so loudly that they burn every place they form and every place they touch. they yell rage. they weep hurt. they speak of guilt and regret and loneliness and hopelesness and even hope in the middle of a life that hurts like hell and makes me question if it is even worth the living at all. But for the children and David and the anquish i would cause them to step out of this hell i would leave. i would be the coward who runs from the living that hurts so much. I would be the selfish child who backed out of a world that seemed too hard to hang on to.

I hate the hate. I hate the confusion. I hate the duality inside my head. I hate the voices the needs, the dichotomies and the screams of pain that echo through the caverns of my internal landscape.

and i find myself caught in the dark swirling pit that taunts me with condemnation. Screams the unwanted mantras of a life that i was never welcomed in to. We sit. We stare off into a future uncertain but for the reality of struggle and i wonder if this is really what life is. God? Do you hear me today? Do you see my fist. My tears. My bloodied heart? Do you give a fuck for what has been, what is happening here?

Why can't you finally come and grab me from this torment. I wish i had died. Like the little boy. Like the baby girl. I think they were the lucky ones. I was the cursed.

For what? for what reason do you hold me here with the glue of children i can not abandon.

betrayed. powerless. sensing doom. awaiting more darkness. Hating sleep. Hating daytime.

Angry.
Sad.
Grief.
Sitting here in a mess of a house. Music playing that reminds me of a God who loves me. I don't feel it.
i don't feel anything right now but tears rolling down my cheeks...